Updated: Dec 7, 2020
Welcome Back! First of all I want to apologize for my absence. I promised to walk you through all my transformations of darkness to beauty, but then I disappeared. I guess life got in the way. Lesson Learned: When something is important to you, set an intention and put it on your schedule. It'll get done that way.
So, let's start over...
I'm excited to announce that every Wednesday, I'll drop a new blog post. If you follow me on social media, you'll see "Wednesday Words" posted. If you don't follow me on social media, you should start.
So puddle of goo #3... I decided to work backwards. These short stories of my transformations will let you get to know me better and will show you that beautiful things do come from darkness.
In 2014, I moved away from Houston and took a job with a non-profit. I was a Community Coordinator at a low-income housing community. It was my job to provide social services to the residents, and I was hired because the Executive Director felt a teacher would be best for the job. I was so excited to get hired for a job where I'd be helping people.
I started in June and by August I had turned around a program the previous coordinator let fall apart. I crated community partnerships, got to know my residents well and offered valuable programing. After about six months on the job, I was paid to travel and train new coordinators at other locations in the state. I felt the most fulfilled in a job than I had felt in years.
You know it's coming----BUT...
I was not making enough money to support my son and I. I could barely made ends meet. I had to choose between gas in the car and food on the table. I was happy with the work I did but miserable at home. I remember buying bread and telling my son to fill up on it because I could not afford a lot of groceries. It's embarrassing to even write this. I could not understand how a job that filled my heart so much left me so empty. I thought we could live on my income, but we weren't able to.
I dissolved into a puddle of goo. A dark, depressed puddle of goo. I was just in survival mode. I lived one life by day at work but went home at night and laid in bed. My son's basic needs were met, but I was not present. Admitting that in writing is difficult. Life was very hard on me, and I'm wondering what long term affects that year and a half will have on him.
During that time I went through the deepest depression of my life. I went to bed thinking it would be great just not to wake up the next day. I had negative thoughts when I was alone in the dark at night. It got to a point that I had trouble faking it at work; I still did my job, but I was not able to give 100% like I had been doing. In the summer of 2015, my son went away to summer camp for three weeks. That was the hardest three weeks of my life. I did not have him which had been purpose each day. My thoughts got darker and darker. If I had not thought about my son needing a mom, I may not be typing this today. I decided he needed me. I needed to live for him.
Then, I returned to teaching (to make more money) and things started looking up. Once I decided I wanted to live to live for me, I emerged a woman who could not be stopped. I had seen the darkness, and I wanted to live in the light. That's why when I got into the darkness of burnout after four years back in the classroom (see Puddle of Goo #4), I knew that it was too important to spend time at a job where I was not fulfilled. Each moment of life is important. Each choice we make should take us toward our vision for happiness and fulfillment.
I continue to build a business that will bring the fulfillment I felt at the non-profit and the income needed to support my family.